Working moms and stay at home moms must contend with not only their own inner battles between what is the right or wrong thing for them, but they are also up against a society of others who think they have the right to judge them.
This is one of the issues that many of my clients face on a day to day basis. In a time when women are having their children at a much older age than they were a generation ago, many of the women who are having their first child in their mid to late thirties and even forties have spent years educating themselves and growing in their careers. They have accomplished a lot and enjoy the challenge, the energy, and the outlet for utilizing their strengths and talents that their jobs provide.
Deciding whether or not to work outside of the home or stay at home with their children is not an easy choice. I know of very few women who have not struggled with this dilemma in one way or another. The difficult part about it is that there is no easy answer. There is not one thing that works for everyone. Still, to compound the problem, there are those women out there who believe their choice is the only one and they will judge and look down upon the woman who chooses the other route. I wonder first of all where this energy leads them. I wonder why another woman's choice is of any consequence to them. I wonder why as a woman they would choose this route of judgment rather than recognizing and appreciating the differences in each of us and the struggles with which we must face in balancing work, family, and the care of own soul.
I am a working mom and a stay at home mom and though I have tried to blend the best of both worlds, I still struggle with the choices I have made. I am acutely aware of how important it is that I be comfortable with my decisions and feel good about them on a daily basis. As a result of working with clients who face similar issues and experiencing this first hand myself, I came up with a checklist of sorts that serves as a guide when wondering what route to take. These are questions to either help facilitate a discussion with your partner or an internal dialogue with yourself. Some may not be applicable to your situation, but chances are some of these will help you get more clarity as you negotiate these murky waters.
1. Are you working because of the money or because you love your job?
The "work outside v. stay at home (WOSH) debate" often fails to take into consideration some of the more salient financial issues. In my experience most of these women fall into one of four categories.
- Make a great salary and love their job
- Make a great salary and hate their job
- Do not make a very good salary and love their job
- Do not make a very good salary and hate their job
To those who think working outside of the home is the only choice I would ask them about the woman who hated her job and did not make enough money to justify paying for full time child care while she worked. Or, what about the woman who made a great salary but absolutely hated her job? Do you think she should continue to work? Is it not likely that that woman would come home from 9+ hours of hating her job and then bring that energy into the home?
2. Do you know of any children who went to daycare for most of their childhood who turned out fine? Do you know of any children who had stay-at-home moms who turned out to be incredibly dysfunctional?
This debate will likely never end. There will always be experts who say that children in childcare turn out to have more problems with violence and dysfunction than those whose mothers stayed home. The other side will counter with research that suggests children in daycare are no more likely to be dysfunctional than those with stay-at-home moms. The bottom line with this is clear - what matter is what is comfortable for you.
3. Does parenting stop when they reach school age?
The beginning years of life are critical. There is no doubt about that and you will probably not find any research in the world to dispute that; however, does that mean that the parenting, love, and nurturing that occurs after they head off to pre-school or kindergarten stops. If it does, then I guarantee you this debate should not be our priority.
My point here is that the argument that if you put your child in daycare your child care provider will spend approximately 80-90% more time with him or her than you will and therefore the child will not feel the love they need to grow up happy and well adjusted. If this were the case, sending our kids off to school would be the end of it. We would expect all of the work we did in the beginning to slowly fall off because it is the teachers and not us who are spending the most time with our kids. This is simply not true. As a former teacher and a counselor who worked closely with teachers one of our greatest sources of frustration was that there was only so much we could do. We were with them essentially 7-8 hours a day (similar to daycare) but it was the culture of the home and the values expressed at home that made the greatest impact on them. We could do and say whatever we wanted, but we were up against a much stronger machine - the family culture.
There are certainly a lot of less than perfect day care centers out there but there are a lot of less than perfect mothers out there who when it comes down to it, would rather not spend time with their kids. There are also some pretty great day care providers and nannies out there who love their jobs and love being with kids.
4. What are you doing when you are at your best? What makes you feel good about who you are? What grounds you and increases your energy?
Maybe the answer to this is staying at home with your child and watching him or her grow and develop each minute of every day. Maybe it is going to the library with her during the week with your play group or taking walks in the park. Maybe your work does that for you and it makes you feel like you can do and be anything you want. Maybe you carry this feeling home with you every evening and when you pick up your child, she or he has no doubt that seeing their face has just made your day. Maybe the time you spend playing with them and reading to them and rocking them to sleep every night gives all of you more joy than you can describe. Maybe your child will carry that with her forever.
5. How do you want your child to feel? What can you do to make sure that happens?
I do not think there is a woman alive who does not want her child to feel love first and foremost. I can tell you this - when you truly love your child, you will show it and your ability to show it will not be a function of whether you go back to work or stay at home. I can speak from experience that it is rarely the simple issue of WOSH that influences the family unit.
When I was a very young child my older sister was diagnosed with Leukemia. My mom did not work out of the home but my parents did spend over 2 years in and out of the hospital and my brother and I were watched by anyone who could help out. My parents were devastated and yet no matter what they were going through, when they saw my brother and me there was no doubt in our minds that we were loved. My mom taught me through her words and her actions that whenever a child comes up to you, you look them in the eye and no matter what you are feeling, you show that child that you are excited to see them and you show them the love you have for them. My parents dealt with the most horrific thing any parent can live through - the loss of a child. They managed to do that and still shower more love on us than was humanly possible. If they can do that, I assure you, a woman who simply goes off to work everyday to contribute to the family income and to ensure her own emotional and intellectual integrity can certainly still give the child as much love and nurturing as a stay at home mom.
The only answer for you is the one that feels right. It does not matter what your neighbor says or what your boss expects you to do. It matters only what you think is best for you and your child.